From a young age I was aware that I was different. Growing up in conservative Tampa, Florida, I felt a sense of consternation surrounding my identity – accentuated whenever I heard my legal name being said in roll call; when I was squirming into the boy’s school uniform every morning; or when family members would lovingly call me a boy. Through the internal sadness I was facing, I understood I would be happier if they were calling me a girl.
As a child, I routinely prayed at night that I would wake up as a girl. The next day I would arise, recognize my dream did not come true, and be met with crippling sorrow and despondency. From an early age, trans youth are expected to maintain the boundaries of our assigned gender behavior. We’re capable of understanding that society wants us to be one gender, but actually feel like the other. I internalized the quotidian gender expression that was demanded of me, and I was aware I would be perceived as a failure if I did not fulfill it. The disconnect between how we feel internally, and the social identity that is projected onto us exacerbates as we age. Reactionary figures throw around the term “gender confusion” to attack trans youth, but this gender hegemony is the real gender confusion. We are immensely confused when society tells us we are one gender, while we know we would be so much happier if we were another gender. We do not understand why we are bullied just for wanting to be ourselves, a hostility that causes alarmingly high rates of depression and suicidality among trans youth.
There were a few times when I developed the courage to break this trivial performance and dress as a girl, braid my hair, and/or paint my nails. The pictures of me dressed up like this are the happiest of my childhood. My genuine, radiant smile contrasts sharply with the somber expressions in most other photos. Regrettably, the bravery and happiness from these moments were replaced by humiliation when the boys would ridicule me. They called me gay and made fun of me, reiterating to me that my femininity is an embarrassing, hideous trait that should remain suppressed.
The key theme of my early teenage years was conformity and suppressed potential. The self-hatred and dysphoria made school an excruciating experience. The cracks started to show in my socially constructed identity at the later onset of puberty. Puberty can be traumatic for trans people – our bodies developing in ways that diverge from our true identities, along with the psychological complications of having a brain develop differently too. That’s exactly what was happening to me, my brain was developing differently than my male social kin. I lost most of my friends and fell into a lonely depression. I looked in the mirror and saw a struggling teenage boy approaching manhood. It was so fake. The feelings I had spent years suppressing were intensifying and quite literally erupting through my stomach. I could no longer hold them back. It was here that I finally recognized and accepted the girl I must become, to achieve true happiness, and ensure my survival. It was liberating to have a clear-cut solution to better my life and know that I actually can become the young woman of my dreams.
When I came out to my parents, they initially were confused, and apprehensive. But thankfully they heard me out and took me to a psychologist who specializes in treating people who experience gender dysphoria. It was great to have a therapist who affirmed me, who helped explain to my parents that what I was feeling was not something abnormal, and assisted them in navigating the process of my medical transition. As we explored options, I was able to start an anti-androgen medication that suppresses testosterone. I was relieved that my body was no longer continuing through male puberty. This gave me hope that there were better days ahead. Ending male puberty drastically improved my mental health and allowed for more space and time to pursue transition.
I started my transition in almost complete secrecy, disappearing to online school during senior year. Only my parents, my medical and mental healthcare providers, and a couple friends knew the journey I was embarking on. Rumors did spread, and I started to face immense cyberbullying from peers, including threats of violence. This was my introduction to the hostility trans people face everyday. Immediately after high school graduation, with support from my doctors and parents, I started estrogen. I felt as if I was getting a second chance at life. I made a new group of friends, and they taught me how to do my hair and makeup, gave me some clothes, and adopted me into their girl friend group that I’m close with to this day.
Five and a half years later, here I am as a 23-year-old young woman. I am a living example of the successes of gender-affirming care. As a college student, my experience is now much different than that of when I was younger, and I am finally able to perform at my academic potential. I study sociology, gender studies and Spanish. During this journey I have also restored my interest in chess, which has been integral in my cognitive and emotional growth. As my rating soared (to the top 0.2% of online players), so too did my self-confidence and academic success.
Since growing into my true self, my interpersonal relationships have been much more intimate and meaningful. I have become closer with my family and more appreciative of their support as time passes. I have developed cherished friendships, with loving and caring individuals who only want what’s best for me, and are always there for me when I need them. It’s a massive difference compared to my friendships pre-transition, and it’s reflected in my joyous, confident persona. My newfound happiness and self-love is a remarkable turnaround from the repressed, self-hating child I was. I know I am living as who I was meant to be because being a woman is ontologically inherent to my existence, I’ve known nothing else, when I was not living as a girl, I was dreaming of being one. Without gender affirming care, I would not be where I am today. If I even managed to make it to this age, I would still be suffering from confusion about my identity, living without real connections, and loathing myself. I also would have continued the irreversible changes that the remaining years of male puberty would have brought.
I am grateful to have the right to transition and achieve and experience life at a greater capacity. My story is not unique. Many parents of trans youth have a similar story of raising a kid who was deeply depressed like me, and it seemed like there was no solution. But when parents and medical professionals affirm their child’s identity, they see immense progress, and their kid blossoms into a happy, healthy trans person, living as their true selves. It is a fundamental human right for us to access this. As reported by every major medical association, gender affirming medical interventions reduce suicide rates, depression and other mental health issues. While this is true, transitioning was much more to me than just reducing suicide rates or treating dysphoria. Transitioning gives people the opportunity to grow into a person that makes them truly happy, allowing them to succeed and experience life in a significantly greater capacity. It not only saves lives, but elevates them to new potential.
My treatment gifted me a palingenetic revitalization, essentially a second chance at existence and I have taken advantage of the opportunity. Extremists who use us as political pawns want us to be miserable and suppress our freedom to be happy. I, for one, will not accept that. We are leading a revolution of happiness and self-love. We will embrace what makes us radiant. It’s a miracle to be ourselves after so much pain. It’s a miracle to love and be joyous. That will never be taken from us. We have the courage to live as our true selves. The science is on our side. We must allow transgender youth to be themselves, and thrive.
Sam Sharf (she/her) is a 23 year old transgender activist, student and nationally ranked chess player. Originally from Florida, she was a leader against the policies of Governor Desantis, garnering a growing media platform. She has been an outspoken advocate on LGBTQ rights, academic freedom, and a multitude of other topics. Her insight has appeared in pieces from MSNBC, NBC News, Fox News, The New York Times, CNN, Washington Post, Daily Beast, VICE, The Economist, and others. Sam now attends Hampshire College in MA, and is a former Communications intern for GLAAD.
