So your child has told you they want to explore their gender identity? Perhaps they’ve started to suggest that’s the case but haven’t been able to put it into words?
In a time where being transgender, non-binary or gender diverse is in the headlines everyday, you might be worried for them. But there are lots of ways you can support them to work out who they are in a safe and supportive way.
The key thing to remember is that working out gender identity, is not an overnight process. That’s what author Ben Pechey tells me after publishing Your Gender Book: Helping You Be You! for transgender and non-binary youth who are working out their identities.
“Coming to terms with your identity can take years, it can’t be rushed or forced. It is important to let your child take the lead in this situation. Let them discuss it with you on their own terms, and under the safety that the conversation is only shared with the people they want it shared with.”
This is crucial because reactions, especially parental ones during formative teenage and younger years, can cause trauma that lasts a lifetime. An adverse reaction to finding out your child is exploring their gender or coming out as trans will impact them more than you know. However, Pechey says that being open and engaged with your child is the first intentional step you can take to set the tone for how you have conversations with your child.
But what about if their coming out leaves you with a sense of loss, grief, or even confusion? That if your child is asking for new pronouns or a different name, that it feels like you are losing your child?
“Hold onto the fact that this is still your child. In many ways, they have always been the ‘new’ identity they share with you. Be generous when it comes to name changes and pronouns. Correct yourself when you make mistakes – which are inevitable – and make sure you do not show frustration if they choose to correct you in these situations.”
It’s common to feel discomfort in this process, but you’re not alone. Indeed your discomfort is likely small compared to the discomfort of being transgender, not being able to affirm who you are, of looking in the mirror and seeing the wrong body. You can and should acknowledge your own discomfort; it exists and is real. Doing so will help you come to terms with it, but if you’re looking to keep and develop the relationship you have with your child, Pechey says it is important to think of it as secondary to the needs of your child and their comfort moving forward.
My child says they need privacy and time to figure out thier gender identity – what should I do?
Feeling in control is a human emotion we can all recognise. If your transgender child is asking for privacy, time or some space to process – that’s a possible reason why.
Pechey says even at 29, they’re still working this all out:
“Now imagine the enormity of this process to an 8-year-old. To consider all of the parameters of being trans, the societal issues, the logistical issues, as well as the emotional issues is a huge undertaking even with all the facts and emotional maturity. Now add into the mix the melee of emotions, questions, and heated conversations that bringing in other people can cause.”
Like all of us, LGBTQIA+ children deserve privacy. Coming to terms with who we are ourselves is key to heading into adult life with strong boundaries that protect us from a complicated world – which is what Pechey’s book aims to help gender diverse kids with.
“Many of my peers, myself included, spent decades denying who we were because no one showed us it was okay, because we were denied resources and education, and because we were scared. I have spent so many years unpicking the harmful internalised beliefs that my childhood years pushed onto me.”
But it goes beyond this, help at childhood can also prevent serious mental health issues, and the risk of sucide as adults. There are high rates of depression and suicide in the broader LGBTQIA+ community because of the internalised phobia that people in the community pick up as children. This is particularly acute in the transgender community, with some studies finding that as many as 1 in 2 gender-diverse people consider or try taking their own lives. Pechey says, therefore: “Privacy and time will save lives. ”
What can I do while my child is processing their gender identity? I just want to help them
If you’re child isn’t ready to talk – but you’re ready to learn, it doesn’t mean you have to wait.
In the UK, a lot of parents grew up during a piece of law, Section 28, which prohibited schools, teachers and local services from talking about LGBTQIA+ people through official channels. Worldwide opportunities to learn about our community have been suppressed.
It also means, whether consciously or unconsciously, you may have picked up misconceptions that surround the LGBTQIA+ community. During the time that your child is working out who they are – is a great opportunity to challenge what you do and don’t know about the community.
Fortunately this is easier than ever. There are now a wealth of books, resources and videos aimed at helping you with this. Or if you’re looking for a less edu-informative approach – why not try LGBTQIA+ inclusive TV or films? It’s amazing how much you can pick up o the nuances, parrallels and wider context of your child’s world from just sticking on the right TV shows. Particularly when you realise and see how much joy LGBTQIA+ people have in their lives.
It will also send a subtle signal to your child. Instead of talking to them about ‘them’ you can talk to them about the inclusive books, TV and films you’ve been enjoying. Sending them a clear signal that you’re not only here and ready to talk – but when they’re ready, you’ve put in the work already to understand.
“Parents have the responsibility to engage and educate themselves. To break down the falsehoods they may hold onto when it comes to the LGBTQIA+ community,” Pechey tells me. “The only thing children need in this situation is a supportive and loving environment in order to be the best versions of themselves.”
My child hasn’t told me they’re transgender or exploring their gender identity – how can I let them know they’re safe to?
Pechey says many children may have witnessed parents negatively reacting towards the LGBTQIA+ community – sometimes, they do so without intent or malicious harm. However, even the pressure of a life plan for them (getting married, buying a house, having kids), or that they might be risking their safety or comfort by exploring their identity within the family unit, can have a big effect.
“Safety is a huge barrier when it comes to being able to comfortably share with people how you may feel – even for adults – so children need to be shown that they have support from you.”
Yet, when children know that your love for them is unconditional – it makes a big difference.
“Homelessness is a huge issue among LGBTQIA+ youths; it is important that your child knows they will still have a home and that you will not shun them. It feels barbaric to say this, but your child may be afraid you will sever connections if they discuss their identity.”
There are lots of other ways you can create a good environment for them, too. Pechey recommends you consider safeguarding. Are they having issues at school? Do you worry about them seeing transphobic content online? How can you make your child feel safe?
If you advocate for them and show your support instead of telling them about it, they’ll feel more able to trust you with their feelings.
“When people feel loved and supported – they are more resilient – and are mentally more capable of handling the stresses of life. The way the media, government, and society treat trans people is relentless and horrific currently – offering your child love and support is the best thing you can do to help them not only survive but also thrive as the best version of themselves.”
Your Gender Book: Helping You Be You! by Ben Pechey is out now.
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