I spent a lot of time with my mother when I was younger. I first expressed an interest in cross-dressing when I was four years old. My grandmother made me a colored dress, but she kept the details from my kids because she wanted to keep them in the dark.
I would usually wear the dress whenever I was at her house for two and a half years. She would compliment me on how lovely I looked, but she never did so when I was dressed as a child. I enjoyed my mama complimenting me because I was so young and wanted to please her.
I quietly took the lavender gown house and hid it in my middle dresser drawer about 2.5 years after I started cross-dressing with my grandmother.
My mother located the outfit. I responded that it was her mother—my grandma—when she inquired as to who had made it. My mom and dad got into a fight over this discovery because they were unaware that my aunt was encouraging this behavior.
Because I didn’t keep the “secret,” I felt like their fight was my fault. I was afraid and felt like my kids were fighting over me.
I was born and raised in Southern California at the beginning of the 1940s, a day when the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the country’s subsequent role in World War II were causing unrest in the United States. People experienced stress during this time.
When she became pregnant with me, my mother was just 19 years old. She lacked the necessary skills to handle the conflict and raising two kids. My mother and I always got down, and she never seemed to prefer me to my nephew throughout my entire life.
On the other hand, as my father would say, he cared about his sons. He had, however, discipline me with a hardwood floor plank because he was very tight about it.
My decision to change later in life was influenced by the fact that my mother never showed much love or passion, my mother encouraged me to dress like a child, and my administrative father.
Secondly, when I was about eight years old, my uncle—my husband’s adopted brother—started sexually abusing me, which was another important factor in my decision to transition.
In retrospect, it is obvious that what I went through as a child is now referred to as an adverse childhood experience (ACEs). Childhood trauma is change a child’s head to the point of distorting their identification, according to studies from Kaiser Permanente and therapists.
To help me cope with the stress of the combat, the physical abuse that took place, and my relationship with my family, I needed a stress therapist.
I realized I wanted to live in a person’s system when I was 13 years old. Since it was the 1950s and there was no terminology to describe how I felt, I was quietly identifying as Crystal West, but simply I knew it.
A man named Christine Jorgensen gained notoriety during that time for having procedure in Denmark and garnered headlines in the Los Angeles newspapers. I had the thought, “That must be me, that must have to be my problem,” when I learned about Christine Jorgensen.
I previously identified as gay. I got married, had kids, and started a job, but I was also dealing with an emotional roller coaster. I asked Dr. Paul Walker, a well-known female expert, for assistance in San Francisco.
I talked openly about my childhood pain and my experience with cross-dressing during my first attend to his Union Street business. He gave me a diagnosis of what would come to be known as sex distress.
Dr. Walker thought it was unrelated to my condition despite the fact that I had shared my history of abuse. He recommended surgeries and hormones.
I underwent surgery in 1983 after beginning testosterone treatments in 1980. Three weeks prior to the surgery, I filed for divorce from my family, which was a disastrous time in my life.
I spent eight years living as a girl named Laura Jensen after the procedure. I believed that my issues were gone. There was a time when I thought I was superior.
But as I thought back on my history and the extreme measures I’d taken, I understood that I was attempting to make sense of what I had done. I was also fighting the monsters I had as a child, trying to get rid of them by altering my identity.
I’ve realized that I never really wanted to be a woman because I was so eager for my childhood’s suffering to go away.
In an effort to dull the pain, I turned to alcohol, drugs, estrogen, and procedure. These measures initially appeared to be effective, but real immediately set in. I continued to experience the same unsettled problems from my history.
Although I made the decision to detransition gradually, there was a turning point that completely altered my life. One evening, as I sat in my car posing as Laura Jensen, I came to the realization that being transgender was merely a mask over my career.
It was as if you were encapsulated in a prison-like personality to get away from all the suffering.
After coming to this discovery, I asked my doctors and Paul Walker for assistance in restoring my birth certificate. I requested that they file an affidavit with the California Superior Court detailing the actual effects of estrogen and operation on a person.
In their testimony to the court, they acknowledged that neither hormones nor surgery can actually alter a person’s sex. They acknowledged that it had never been successful in altering a person’s identity.
They admitted in secret conversations that no one has ever changed their female medically in recorded history. Their demeanor and outer appearance are the only things that change. It’s similar to a film actor assuming the lead role, donning the costume, and then appearing to change their appearance to sing another role.
This information was shocking. I understood that everything was fraudulent. Understanding that hormones and surgery are ineffective at changing anyone’s female upset me.
I then started looking at additional research that supported this. There is no solid scientific evidence to support the clinical efficacy of gender reassignment surgery, according to a study study from the University of Birmingham that was published in 2004 by the U.K. Guardian. This study also made mention of a link between hormone treatment and an elevated risk of suicide.
Dr. Walker suggested that I need estrogen, surgery, and a letter for gender reassignment surgery during our consultation. In retrospect, though, I think he ought to have taken into account my history of intimate, physical, and mental abuse.
He may have understood that hormones and surgery mayn’t be helpful for me given my past stress if he had really wanted to help.
However, I’ve discovered that this factor is still frequently disregarded immediately. Regardless of their circumstances in life, I haven’t come across a single person who has been denied surgery or hormones.
I’ve personally worked with thousands of people through my generosity, Sex Change Regret. They all share the same sentiment: Someone wouldn’t have chosen hormones and surgery if they had simply heard about their childhood suffering or admitted to their pornographic addiction.
I’m one of many people who regrets going through this. Twenty years after their surgery, the patient I’m already working with has a very similar story to mine.
I no longer refer to it as “detransition” because, after reading all of this study, I came to the conclusion that no one ever really transitions, and therefore nobody can. I’d rather declare that I regained access to my actual existence.
I was able to feel more free after taking the estrogen pills. I experienced a sense of liberation and clarity in my thinking. But my brain took some time to adjust. It was challenging in a way.
You must follow specific medications, such as figuring out how much to consider without becoming overly anxious. To assist in monitoring the procedure, you must collaborate with a physician and an oncologist.
It probably took me more than a year, if not more, to complete the process to the point where I suddenly leveled out and had the proper amount in my system. It was a process of trial and error.
I don’t want people to believe that it’s easy and that they can change back at any time. It can be very upsetting because people frequently take to many hormones when they are returning, which can give them a lot of anxiety and trouble.
When people are trying to get their life back, I advise them to come off the hormone gently and enter it carefully. Don’t seek medical advice online; do it with a doctor.
I want people to comprehend this because I witness it but frequently. I sincerely care about all of these people who are struggling, but I disagree that the only way to care for someone is to alter their body parts or give them hormones.
I believe it is important to take a step back and discuss the more serious problems that people are having, such as autism, PTSD, bipolar disorder, or obsessive-complicated illness.
We must exercise kindness and caution, take a step back, and perform much better when determining which candidates are suitable for changeover and which are not.
Sexual Change Regret, a charity with solutions for those who are interested in “detransitioning” or who want to learn more about the effects of sexual change, was founded by Walt Heyer.
This article’s author expresses his or her personal opinions.
As reported to Carine Harb, an associate director for Newsweek.
Do you have any special tales or experiences to share? Send a message to the My Change staff at [email protected].
