Trigger warning – mentions of ableism, fatphobia, neurodivergent shaming
Do you believe the saying that all oppression is connected? I’d like to share a personal story that validates the fact that oppression and bigotry doesn’t happen selectively in silos. There was this gay friend from Pune whom I have known for many years as a family friend since childhood, and even before he came out as gay. He was recently attending Pune Pride.
Now in Pune, there are not one but two Pride marches. One of them is organized by Bindu Queer Rights Foundation (BQRF) and Yutak, and the theme is traditional, prescribing Indian “family-friendly” attire. The other march is organized by Qutcast and Mist LGBTQ, and is liberal and allows for a healthy display of consensual kink and drag.
The differences don’t end there. The pride organizers at BQRF encourage marchers to discuss only topics related to LGBTQ rights whereas Qutcast and Mist LGBTQ recognize the intersectional nature of queer rights and makes space for marchers showing solidarity with Palestine and those affected by religion and caste-based atrocities, while carrying placards prompting and more.
My gay friend is a proud gay man inclined towards right-wing politics. He also engaged in some “both-sidism” between TERFS and Trans* people, which found him a special place on all my blocklists – I’ve blocked him even on Pinterest.
However, this story is from before I blocked him in 2021. He had attended the Pride march organized by BRQF wearing a dhoti and kurta, after having gained an ENORMOUS amount of weight – in his own words – upon returning home to Pune. He was marching with his “Love is Love ” placard when someone behind him called him a “saand” (buffalo in Hindi) and asked him to move out of their way. He also had a hard time maneuvering the dhoti along with the placard and that affected his gait. Two other gay guys were like, “Abe langde dhoti pehenke chalna nahi aata to pehenke kyun aata hai…” (“If you don’t know how to walk wearing a dhoti, then why did you wear one…?” Also Langda is an ableist slur for a mobility-challenged person).
My (ex)-friend who wanted a “pronoun-free, non-woke” Pride march ranted to me for 20 minutes nonstop about what he faced. I just gave a long pause and was like, “I wonder how you don’t get the irony here….” That’s all I said. And then I hung up. He didn’t get it even after that Pride, which is why he received a grand, red carpet entry into my block list.
Pride marches and events that aren’t for everyone are a façade. They are just dress-up parties that do not serve the purpose of liberation that Pride marches began with. People who attend and support such mockeries of pride are not only doing the spirit of pride a disservice, but also to their own selves.
THIS is what privileged queer people don’t understand. If they cut the branch that Dalit and Adivasi queer people, Muslim queer people, Trans, non-binary and gender variant people are sitting on, they will also fall in the process. Nothing can sum it up better than the meme below.
I have had my own share of undesirable moments at Pride as well. As a neurodivergent trans*-person who experiences both gender dysphoria and dysmorphia, Pride marches sometimes let me down. My journey to self-acceptance has been like doing the cha-cha-cha. One step front and god knows how many steps back. Till date I can’t look at a full length mirror without cribbing about how fucked up my gendered and flawed body is. It has taken a lot of breaking down, therapy and self-recorded pep talks to get to where I am today. Of course, discovering that I’m autosexual also helped.
My neurodivergence adds to body language that is considered publicly awkward. As an autistic ADHD person, I stim a lot. I do repetitive actions that help me manage anxiety. I randomly flap my hands when I talk, I keep twirling as I talk, I flick my fingers a lot, I crack my knuckles like crazy. I am very fidgety. If something gets my attention, I randomly stare at it for long periods of time. I’m told my stares are very harsh and intense, which make people feel creeped out. I understand that, but I wish I could tell you that’s not in my control either. I try my level best to be mindful about it and mask my traits, and I don’t even know why I sound so apologetic about it here.
I have been given very rude, judgmental, “what on earth are they doing…” kinda glares at Pride for my body language. It just makes me very hyper vigilant – the same uncomfortable feeling I have when I travel home alone at night. I feel like I’m always on guard. It feels ironic that Pride is called a safe space then. I have had my share of body-shaming as well – I’ve been told that I need a whole liter of lotion for my body surface area (YEP). I am prone to dust allergies, where exposure to fine dust and traffic emission makes me get hives and my face swells up. I even got shamed for that once or twice. For Christ’s sake, I’ve been shamed for not removing my upper lip and chin hair. WOW. AT PRIDE!
That was my “had it enough, give me a break” moment. I’ll admit all this is still on the lower end of the totem pole. I am sure a handful of people are capable of being far more vicious and the brunt of that is faced much more by those at other precarious intersections of the community.
As a non-binary person whose gender dysphoria is limited to my breasts, hips and the hourglassy curvature above my hips, it pinches when well-known activists say things like there is a new “trend” of being non-binary. I am not going to use this article to name and shame anyone, but you can imagine the harm it causes.
I have also noticed that it is inherently easier for anybody, queer or not, to misgender trans masculine people and use she/her, maybe because masculinity in people clocked as female, has been somewhat normalized over the years? Somehow people on the trans masc spectrum are never perceived in the manner they wish to be. Trans men are always spoken to and gazed at as “men-lite” versions. It is so condescending when we are told, “let’s have a group picture with all the ladies together…”. The amusing part is the pronouns used are correct, but other terms like man, woman and person are messed up.
In addition to all this, I have heard many people – both cis and genderqueer – say that non-binary people “take up a lot of space within the trans community without having dysphoria…”. This is a very harmful statement that is also patently untrue, especially when it is said on a dais at a Pride event by conservative gay/lesbian people. Many enby folks do experience dysphoria and many other intend to medically transition, including yours truly. In addition, the NALSA judgement in 2014 gives trans people the right to self-identify. Moreover, the trope of “real and fake” trans people perpetuates the same biological essentialism that cis-het normativity propagates, When the same binary-upholding, cis-heteronormative traits are furthered within the LGBTQ community, many of us feel it’s better to Netflix and chill at home (pun intended? Maybe, maybe not).
I have spent years unlearning identity politics only to realize that the person who can aggravate discomfort in you can be anyone – cis het or queer. Rainbow queerphobia is no better than cis het queerphobia; I mean it isn’t supposed to feel miraculously better because a queer person does it, right? The pinch sadly feels the same in both cases, and in fact it feels worse when someone you hope for a safe space from, does it.
I can’t think of a better way of ending this article than by quoting Marsha P Johnson – “There is no Pride for some without liberation for all”. It succinctly summarizes my whole rant in the paragraphs above. Let’s do more than getting Marsha’s pictures on placards, let’s try espousing her quote for once? Thenk yew.
