I have a revelation. In our society, I hear a bit about the good ol’ time when there weren’t but many trans people around.
I, also, am romantic for a simpler time. I have a dream about the past, when people were unaware of trans people’s significance and didn’t even know that trans men were real. I acknowledge that this is a sad confession, particularly since March 31 is Trans Day of Visibility. But I’m a priest and it’s the time of Lent, so I am in the feeling for some revelation. I yearn for the occasion of my own privacy.
Of course, awareness matters, awareness is lifesaving. When trans people dare to be obvious, it helps people see that they aren’t alone, it also helps friends understand. Obviously, trans visibility is important. On the other hand, for virtually my entire adult life, I have never been questioned about my male nature. Has the right to really live my life and become who I am not already earned?
I am today 44 years old. When I was a freshman in high school, nearly 30 years back, I made the initial statement about my gender identity. Even though I wasn’t trained in it at the time, I knew I had to find a way to feel at ease in my skin. By the time I was old enough to graduate, I had thoroughly realized who I was meant to be. I transitioned but much; why do I need to talk about this now?
I would have preferred to write about a different topic, but I can’t stop seeing Nex Benedict’s face in my mind’s eye. This innocent child was attacked in a classroom bathroom, and I can’t stop thinking about it. When I was a different-stereotyped high school student, I also was “jumped” at school, but I was lucky to have had a different result. Nex, who was intersex and used they/them nouns, had evidently been harassed by kids at school. Although my individuality is unique from Nex’s, I can recall what it was like as a child because I can recall what that was like.
Obviously, Nex threw waters on their adversaries. I’ve seen comments on social media that claim Nex received what they deserved. How do people make this claim? No kid deserves death for being different, and no child should be beaten and eventually kill for throwing water on somebody. When I was attacked, I too would have thrown waters, if that’s what was in reach. I am fortunate that I was able to flee. I thought I had forgotten about Nex’s account for a while. When I think about Nex and what they endured, I experience profound grief and cooperation.
Since Nex was my age, but several years have passed. In high school, I rarely consider being attacked. In fact, I really don’t think about being trans that much. Seldom do I recall the agonizing soul-searching I once had to endure. I make the decision to not remember the operations I performed so long back. I hardly ever consider the life-long estrogen therapy I take, unless I forget to go to the store to get it in.
I don’t think about any of this until I encounter discrimination or elected officials who are attempting to revoke trans people’s right to identify as their true selves. A transgender student is severely beaten in a classroom, and they both pass away from their injuries. Therefore I consider how the universe perceives individuals like us. Our bodies are viewed as being easy to regulate, our identities are seen as being easy to remove immediately, and our lives are also seen as being easy to take away.
Despite all the pain, despite being misunderstood, and even despite the mistreatment from elected officials, I actually wouldn’t do any of this life of mine differently. I am appreciative of this excursion, and I have grown to love the wounds it has caused. I huge sufficiently for Nex to reflect on their lives in the same way.
Why did the young Nex lose their lives in such a terrible manner? Even as a pastor, I don’t pretend to have an answer to those difficult questions, why such horrific things happen. I’m also unsure of how much I could live until my hair stopped to fall out or my beard started to turn gray. But I do know that accessibility issues. The younger generation will find acceptance the easier it becomes for them to be opened and accessible.
If I hadn’t admitted that I am trans, my life would be simpler. But I have always sought to be easy when fairness is in question.
Nex reminds me that there is something much more significant than the security that comes with being anonymous. I owe my presence to the upcoming technology of transgender people. I want them to have the opportunity to see a representation of someone who has the privilege of growing older in the mirror one day and not just see a reflection of their real identity appearance.
Rev. Jakob Hero-Shaw is the top priest of the Metropolitan Community Church of Tampa, MCCTampa.com. He is a happy father and husband in a loving, permitted household that was established through adoption and marriage equality.
