(From left to right) Portrait of Nicole Brownstein, Bernie Wagenblast, and Patrick Buenaventura at Wagenblast’s residence in Cranford, NJ, on Monday, Feb. 19, 2024.
Gabby Jones for NPR
When Bernie Wagenblast attended her second REALLY Me! meet, she had no plans to move.
She was in her late 50s, employed as a television presenter, and used what she called her “guy voice.” Eventually, she discovered the support group for transgender and nonbinary people of all ages in New Jersey. “I started it with the hope that it would be enough,” says Wagenblast, “and I wouldn’t have to go any further.”
At the time, her biggest worry with entirely, officially coming out was losing her life companion.
Many older transgender people who aren’t out are a big worry, according to Leigh Mann, a gender-affirming speech therapist and former co-chair of Pride Me! Mann claims that “there is a math that occurs when individuals weigh the risks of coming out – and it’s unique for each person.” Personal health, for instance, is part of one’s math. When you couple that with the jeopardy of losing your spouse, touch with your kids, or perhaps your work, “it just gets exponentially more difficult.”
A day that she refers to as “her Cinderella Story.”
Wagenblast’s individual mathematics shifted the evening of the Pride Me! semi-formal annual honor ceremony. “In years past, I had always gone in a jacket and tie, but I didn’t feel comfortable doing that this time.” But she contacted another Pride Me!, her older transgender mentor. part.
She was given the advice to stop by a Halloween shop and purchase a pair of low-cost wigs and shoes. “You come along to my house with the hair and the shoes, I’ve got a gown for you, I’ll do your makeup, and you’ll go to this occurrence as your real self.”
Nicole Brownstein adds a collar to Bernie’s Wagenblast’s dress.
Gabby Jones for NPR
Mentor Nicole Brownstein has performed many of these makeovers for other trans women who have come to her in the same place. She’s helped all of them. “It’s like a great movie creation,” says Brownstein. They are supposed to move about while I have them sit in a chair with the camera facing away. Brownstein sees the same expression in themselves as she saw in herself all those years earlier: “to finally be able to see yourself as you’ve often envisioned yourself.”
That day, Wagenblast decided that she could and would morally change. In the process, her greatest fear came true. Her 42-year relationship ended.
“My daily life is no longer involving this person who was and is my best friend. That’s badly hard,” she says. However, friends have grown to be much more significant in my life.
Connections like the one she has with Brownstein, who’s 77. A nearby group of trans women will often meet up for dinner and drinks. Wagenblast and Brownstein are related to this close relationship. “Merely a group of women going out to spend a great night out,” says Brownstein.
A chance for generational connections
While the REALLY me! members of the support group range in age, several adore it in particular because of Wagenblast and Brownstein and the others who have come to terms with this later in life.
This is especially true for Patrick Buenaventura. They lamented starting their journey at the age of 53 when they attended their second meet. Until Brownstein revealed that she began changing when she was in her 60s and that other people followed suit.
Portrait of Patrick Buenaventura wearing their medal ceremony clothes at Bernie’s residence in Cranford, NJ, on Monday, Feb. 19, 2024.
Gabby Jones and GABBY JONES for Radio
That’s when it clicked for Buenaventura. We all travel at different speeds and follow the same timelines. This just so happens to be mine, and I’m on time. I’m transitioning from when I was supposed to.
Pride Me! also provides a place for both younger and older transgender people to interact in surprising ways. One college student who came up to them said it was nice to see older trans people, “because they couldn’t imagine their life when they were older,” is how Buenaventura recalls.
On the flip side, they’ve even learned from younger people to be less concerned with passing. “They’re like, ‘I dress how I want. If I want to be a trans man or transmasculine, it doesn’t mean I have to wear a suit and tie. If I want to use a dress, I’ll use a skirt.’ They’re defining themselves, and not letting the world show them who to be or how to be.”
Without a Pride Me! area, it’s much easier to feel alone at any age. Kristi, who’s 65, requested anonymity since she’s not out as transgender to friends and family.
She claims she hasn’t taken any steps, such as starting hormone therapy, gender-affirming surgery, or socially transitioning, but she says she wants closer connections to other trans women. “I don’t present myself fully as a woman,” says Kristi. “And I don’t want people to say, ‘well, let’s ignore her. She’s not part of us, actually.'”
Now, Kristi has no plans to socially transition. And she wishes there was a stronger community for people like her, who are unsure of when or if they’ll take those steps. “Am I not going far enough? Am I not brave enough to declare my identity and become a woman?” Kristi regularly asks herself these questions. But then she’ll tell herself: “there are people who don’t feel compelled to do that. And that doesn’t make their journey any less real.”
(From left to right) Portrait of Patrick Buenaventura, Bernie Wagenblast, and Nicole Brownstein, wearing their medal ceremony clothes at Wagenblast’s residence in Cranford, NJ, on Monday, Feb. 19, 2024.
Gabby Jones for NPR
It’s been about a year since Bernie Wagenblast morally transitioned. And she’s also reveling in her new life. “To finally be living it for the first time, it was like, ‘Pinch me. I’m worried this is a dream, and that I’m going to wake up.'”
Wagenblast is 67 today. Often, she thinks about what it would’ve been like to come out earlier. To be a young girl, or a woman in her 20s.
But generally, she’s really happy to be out now.
Copyright 2024 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.
